Christmas this year...

Christmas this year will be very different. I was walking through Fry's yesterday and some interesting things happened. Well, firstly I could not stop thinking about my family and how all of us are having a really hard time financially this year. So much that most of us are not buying gifts for each other. This is not bad thing, just very different and a first for us, that is. For me, it produces a huge amount of anxiety. I do not like not having money to give to others. This year, this is hard for me. I have never been in this position before. This year I am catching up on some bad past issues with taxes/ choices etc.. and have no extra money whatsoever. Plus, I will be moving just after the New Year and cannot spend anything. AND to top it off, a lot of my clients are cancelling sessions this week, well for this month due to the holidays. Well, if I do not have meetings, I do not get paid... so... this is causing me a lot of stress. But, anyways... For some reason, I do not feel like I am "good enough" if I do not buy some great things for my family. (in particular) I hate that feeling and am not sure why I feel that way. While continuing to walk around Fry's I thought about my tree at home and that nothing was underneath it. For a minute I felt sad and then I stopped and remembered how thankful I am for Christmas. The birth of Christ. It is Jesus' birthday. I smiled... a warm feeling in my heart suddenly emerged.... this year was going to be different. My focus was finally going to be where it should have been all along...
My tree, while empty underneath was decorated with love... love and honor.. for God... I sit every night and instead of a frown for lack of gifts underneath- now a smile for the celebration of the holiday.
While I have been feeling a bit lonely this Christmas... lonely and "poor" - the irony and message that God is revealing to me is that I am actually oh so rich... I guess that when I stop and notice what is truly going on in my heart and in my life is when I notice. Everything else just does not matter.
As I was leaving Fry's, I was at the checkout counter. A man ahead of me was asked by the checker how he was doing today.. he said, "Unfortunately, I'm still alive." The look on his face was comatose. My heart just stopped... I looked over and wanted to hug him... I knew that he had lost all hope. She looked at me and looked back at him and said... "Are you in pain?" He said, "No, but just look around us." She and I just looked at each other and said nothing... it was shocking to see / hear some one so matter of factly have no hope... Oh how I wanted to say something... something to inspire him... something to let him know he is loved... something to let him REALLY know that he is loved... but I did not know what to say. I asked God... but felt a sense of hurry as I he started to walk away...I chatted with the checker as he walked to the Lotto machine. I told her that I wanted to say something to him but did not know what to say...she understood and agreed. I prayed again... I followed him and waited for him as he was at the machine... I decided to call my Pastor's cell phone to ask for advice... as I felt so strongly about helping this man. I could not reach him in time... the man left... I could not help but wonder why he felt that way... was there something I could have said? I prayed for him last night... and today.
While I do not know exactly what he is going through... I have felt hopeless before... I have also been rescued from that hopelessness... again and again... there is nothing more amazing.. nothing else worth living for. God is so amazing. Every day...He welcomes me into a day that He made. I do not always do well in that day... but I know He has my back...
This Christmas, I am glad that it is different for my family. I know that we are going to appreciate each other and the reason for the season differently. And maybe this is the way we should do it every year.