One day left...

Hmm... there is only one day left in 2008. Tomorrow. December 31st. I cannot believe that 2008 is over. The holidays / this time of year is so emotional for me. I am working very hard to keep a good attitude and be thankful. And I am. It is also a time of lonliness for me. I am working on not letting that get me down, but it does sometimes. I was in a funk for the past couple of days. I am feeling a lot better now. It seems that it is so easy to forget about things that are important when one is feeling down. Maybe it is ok to feel down too. Sometimes I feel guilty for not "being" the way that "I should be". My tree is still up and I am still thankful. I just wish that I had someone to share it with.
Lonliness is a different kind of feeling. For me, it is not complaining. It is more wanting to share what is good in my life with someone. Doing "life" with someone. I have my doggy and I love him dearly. I am really thankful for him. He is my family. He is a good boy. He is sleeping right now in the other room. He puts himself to bed when he is tired. It is really cute.
Maybe next year, Cota and I will have a special someone with us at Christmas and New Years....?? A someone that loves us and wants to be with us. Someone who shows us affection and love in a way that we can feel.
I am looking forward to the "fresh start" on Thursday! I love Jan.1st. Anything seems possible... funny...thinking about this again. Why do we need a "day" to give us permission and hope for a fresh start. I guess every day can be... right? Well, of course right! God gives us a fresh start anytime we like. Maybe there is comfort in knowing that others are feeling the same way on the day. And there is something fun and official about Jan.1st. I really want 2009 to be great. For me, my family and my friends. I will be living in a new city, hopefully make some new friends and reach some of my important goals.

The Season

The holidays are so much more than just "holy days" which is where the word "holidays" comes from- the hoidays are representative of a time during the year where we focus on each other, on giving, on love and on life. This is a season of reflection. Funny how sometimes we reflect ONLY during this time. Like the world around us "allows" us to reflect right now. It creates time for this practice and the traditions of the past bring us to a place of gentleness and kindness. Funny how we need a season to function this way. I wonder if we operated this way all year long. Would the holiday season be the same? What would it look like? How would the year be different? How would the world be different? I have wondered about so many things my whole life. I remember reflecting last year thinking the same thoughts. I am here again- sitting in front of my Christmas tree feeling thankful and still remain in the same wonder...
I was out today with a friend of mine. We went shopping together, had lunch and talked about things. Just girl stuff... life stuff. I realized that I had not really ever done this. Had a day out with a friend at Christmas time and enjoyed the day this way. I feel so thankful and actually a part of life today instead of so seperate from it. That has been something that has been so hard for me my whole life. Today, I felt different. There is nothing in the past that can take away the spirit of the season for me this year. There is nothing that can shake my peace and gratitude for everything in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly... it is all started to look the same to me. Just days. Fresh days. New starts. So much around me. Choices...
Yes, I have felt some sad days recently, but I am so resilient in that I see all of the goodness around me. Even in the midst of a hard emotional time... I see a little bit of hope. A little light... for this, I am so thankful.
I realize that part of the idea of the seasons is that they come and go... and come back again. I tend to feel very lonely and sad on Christmas day. Part of that is because it feels as though the "season" is ending. And I so enjoy the feelings of the season. People are united... people are thinking of each other. We have stronger awarenesses and reasons to give. What if we really did whole onto these feelings all year? Are we, as humans capable of this? I do not like "endings" to things. I wonder how I would feel if I saw Christmas day as a beginning of a new season instead of an end to one.
My tree is so pretty. I love to see the lights twinkle and see the angel on the top of the tree. I love it so much and it helps me feel safe and protected somehow. I love the Christmas movies that are playing on TV, I love the movies about Jesus and his life. I love to watch them every year. I wonder what it would have been like to live when he lived... to have seen him face to face... Thinking about Christmas, the birth of Christ and all that it represents gives new meaning to the words love, gratitude and joy. This year, Christmas means so many different things to me and I love that it keeps evolving for me.
I am going to take tomorrow totally off... just lay around and watch movies.. I have been wanting to do this FOR SO LONG...(ok maybe I will vaccuum) but that is it! (oh and walk my doggy) But, other than that... (wait, maybe a workout too! haha!) Ok, but only things that I feel like doing! I just want to sit and linger in the feelings of the season and feel thankful all day... I am so looking forward to Christmas Eve and to midnight mass... my favorite part of Christmas.

Christmas this year...

Christmas this year will be very different. I was walking through Fry's yesterday and some interesting things happened. Well, firstly I could not stop thinking about my family and how all of us are having a really hard time financially this year. So much that most of us are not buying gifts for each other. This is not bad thing, just very different and a first for us, that is. For me, it produces a huge amount of anxiety. I do not like not having money to give to others. This year, this is hard for me. I have never been in this position before. This year I am catching up on some bad past issues with taxes/ choices etc.. and have no extra money whatsoever. Plus, I will be moving just after the New Year and cannot spend anything. AND to top it off, a lot of my clients are cancelling sessions this week, well for this month due to the holidays. Well, if I do not have meetings, I do not get paid... so... this is causing me a lot of stress. But, anyways... For some reason, I do not feel like I am "good enough" if I do not buy some great things for my family. (in particular) I hate that feeling and am not sure why I feel that way. While continuing to walk around Fry's I thought about my tree at home and that nothing was underneath it. For a minute I felt sad and then I stopped and remembered how thankful I am for Christmas. The birth of Christ. It is Jesus' birthday. I smiled... a warm feeling in my heart suddenly emerged.... this year was going to be different. My focus was finally going to be where it should have been all along...
My tree, while empty underneath was decorated with love... love and honor.. for God... I sit every night and instead of a frown for lack of gifts underneath- now a smile for the celebration of the holiday.
While I have been feeling a bit lonely this Christmas... lonely and "poor" - the irony and message that God is revealing to me is that I am actually oh so rich... I guess that when I stop and notice what is truly going on in my heart and in my life is when I notice. Everything else just does not matter.
As I was leaving Fry's, I was at the checkout counter. A man ahead of me was asked by the checker how he was doing today.. he said, "Unfortunately, I'm still alive." The look on his face was comatose. My heart just stopped... I looked over and wanted to hug him... I knew that he had lost all hope. She looked at me and looked back at him and said... "Are you in pain?" He said, "No, but just look around us." She and I just looked at each other and said nothing... it was shocking to see / hear some one so matter of factly have no hope... Oh how I wanted to say something... something to inspire him... something to let him know he is loved... something to let him REALLY know that he is loved... but I did not know what to say. I asked God... but felt a sense of hurry as I he started to walk away...I chatted with the checker as he walked to the Lotto machine. I told her that I wanted to say something to him but did not know what to say...she understood and agreed. I prayed again... I followed him and waited for him as he was at the machine... I decided to call my Pastor's cell phone to ask for advice... as I felt so strongly about helping this man. I could not reach him in time... the man left... I could not help but wonder why he felt that way... was there something I could have said? I prayed for him last night... and today.
While I do not know exactly what he is going through... I have felt hopeless before... I have also been rescued from that hopelessness... again and again... there is nothing more amazing.. nothing else worth living for. God is so amazing. Every day...He welcomes me into a day that He made. I do not always do well in that day... but I know He has my back...
This Christmas, I am glad that it is different for my family. I know that we are going to appreciate each other and the reason for the season differently. And maybe this is the way we should do it every year.

Thinking...

I am not sure why my brain won't turn off and rest sometimes. It seems that when there are so many things to be done and so many things that I am "working" on, I just cannot relax. I think that means that it may be more important to try to do so... right now, it is just so hard.
I am a little bit sad tonight. David and I were laughing about something and it hit me...when did we stop getting along? I do not remember... I do not know how any of this evolved and died...
I do know that I am thankful for the fact that we have a peaceful relationship now. As friends...
I am going to miss having someone around... even if it is not "that special, perfect for me someone" - it was nice to know that I was not alone. But, I have Cota and he has been extra cuddly... he is my sweetie.
I think that my brain is over tired right now. I feel as though I need to sleep for a month or something...
Well, I know that things have been in overdrive AND they will be for the next several months. I am going to pray that I remember to pace myself the best way that I can.
Oh- Cota understands and responds to non-verbal communication! It is so funny.. I nod my head and knows that means ok. It is so cute..